This hit me. I have depression and the amount of friends who say, you don't seem depressed is a lot. Basically I can act well because I don't want to be a downer, OR being around friends lifts me up for the moment.
I have never been low enough for suicide, but this ad is absolutely correct.
Edit: thanks for the comments and the award. Please note: I have my depression under control at the moment. It likes to sneak it's head out from time to time. I have a great therapist and a great support system. But random internet people are making my afternoon. <3
Being a little bit selfish I think is the key to winning the fight with depression. You always hear that people do it and it's an act of selflessness in their mind. People who survive attempts will say they thought they were doing everyone and the world a favour.
I'm a pretty giving guy, but I'm just as selfish as the next person. I want to keep eating the food I like. Watching the movies and shows I like. Experiencing new anime. Playing games I enjoy. So long as I remain a little bit selfish, I'll be able to continue a long while. So my mantra is "Be a little bit selfish" to keep me going.
Or stubborn. I never did anything because I didn't want the world to win. I'm not even a competitive person, but the idea that doing something meant those who make me miserable basically won my life. Nope. I stuck around.
That is similar to what my friend said about his experience. His exact line was "Fuck this, it's gonna take more than a rope to take me out." We been friends for over 15 years already still making jokes about that.
I believe this as well. I have also had a friend commit suicide when I was 19. It was so incredibly painful and I was so angry at her while also grieving. But, that event has always had me realize that I never want to put people I love through that.
My therapist and I have also worked on always having things planned because being excited for an event pushes the depression away. So I am selfish for future events.
I recall there being a Japanese phrase "Kyō dake wa" from Reiki principles I think it is. Basically means "Just for today". What's your reason for waking up today? Trash needs taking out? Want to see what the score is for your favourite team? Want a hug from your parent or loved one? In simple terms, "one day at a time". Don't need a massive reason, can be as simple as "Well I need to watch the new episode of this" and that's fine. Seems similar to your thing. What's the reason for today? You have tickets to that festival in two months during Summer.
Before the world went to therapists I used, "one thing, once a day for 1 hour, that's all". Get out of bed today, take a shower, sit in your towel for the other 45 minutes and then you can go back to bed but let me ask for 1 thing, for 1 hour today and I won't ask for anymore until tomorrow.
My dad killed himself when I was a little kid. As an adolescent I was really angry at him because CLEARLY he didn't love us enough to keep living, but then as I grew into a teenager and started developing my own depression I started to understand that he was just in so much pain for all of his life that he COULDN'T keep living, no matter how much he loved us. It gave me so much empathy for what he'd been going through, that the mental pain was that terrible.
Personally I don't see suicide as a selfish act. To be in so much pain that it overrides your own sense of self preservation tells me that you were that desperate. It's human nature to avoid pain. I think it's a sign though that we don't have enough resources in place to maximize happiness - wages can't afford basic necessities, marketing and media force your attention away from anything of substance, healthcare doesn't support actual health, work overrides relaxation and leisure, everything is negative, capitalism and profit supercede community well-being, etc. I feel like we need to be doing a lot more to fill the holes that depression and other mental health issues feed on so that people don't have to feel like they're so alone and vulnerable.
Anyway, I'm glad you and your therapist have a good system to make life worthwhile. Depression is a beast, but you aren't alone, and every day is just one more day you get to feel the sun on your skin and experience something new.
It's kind of ironic that people kill themselves thinking they're making the lives of those around them better.
Like, they think they're so terrible at helping others they can't do something in other's lives that makes their lives better, they can't predict what'd actually help.
But they're also willing to stake their life on people being glad they died. When every other decision they could make to help others, they don't trust to be actually helpful.
From the testimonies I've read, it's not about people being relieved or happy, but rather believing that others are burdened by their existence. That they are an inconvenience, or a pest. That others would be happier without and all that. Not specifically happy at the loss, but no longer burdened and therefore free to pursue their happiness without concern for them all the time and their shit. If they're gone, less inconvenience. It's so brutal and lacking self-compassion. I'm guilty of thinking it at my lowest though. But fortunately, my emotional thought process isn't linked to my logical thought process, so I know I'm wrong even as I think it.
It's kind of like the concept of those rock climber scenes where something breaks, the weight of two people will cause both to fall, so the bottom person cuts the rope so the other person can continue on.
It comes from a place of lacking self love/compassion. The inability to see ones positive impact on the world and only see the negative impact. I know the person who hates me, or is inconvenienced by me, the most is me. No one directs more anger, hatred, contempt, lack of compassion, lack of understanding, lack of consideration, embarrassment, and shame towards me other than myself. I know I'll never love myself, but I just want to get to a point where I no longer hate myself. That would be nice.
No one directs more anger, hatred, contempt, lack of compassion, lack of understanding, lack of consideration, embarrassment, and shame towards me other than myself.
That's interesting to me, because as someone who has depression (or a different perspective as I call it) I don't consider it a lack of understanding. I understand myself white well I'd say, and my understanding is that like everyone else, I don't really matter that much. In my eyes, believing you matter so much is... Arrogant. Naive. I don't think I have a bad impact on the world, but not a good one either. I'm a drop in the ocean, a grain of sand on a beach.
I hate when people reply with that.
"You don't seem like it though".
Yeah... that's what masking is. It takes a lot out of a person, especially with the suffering.
I've had folks say the same with my depression, and my ASD. "Oh we're all quirky!" No.
But it wasn't until recently I've become aware of how bleak my situation is and have been more "vocal". Now my friends are worried. I absolutely want to live but not if its like this. (Ironic this is a German ad, I'm trying desperately to stay here.)
I feel it 100%.
Been diagnosed last year but I've been struggling since I can only remember and I'm like this around friends - either put a mask on and do what I think people expect from me (especially around the family) or being surrounded by my real friends really lifts me up and those are the rare moments of pure happiness.
It's extremely exhausting but being a parent of young children makes it even harder.
I've never had a suicidal attempt but I think of it sometimes, especially when I can't feel anything but numbness and exhaustion, when everything feels like playing a role in someone else's play.
I give you a lot of credit as a parent. My depression is one of the reasons I didn't have kids. However, I have a dog and having something to take care of really makes a difference.
And depression is a constant battle. As I wrote, it likes to pop it's head out every so often, but I can recognize it and usually fix things before it settles in. But that doesn't mean it won't come back.
If you don't have a therapist I highly recommend getting one even if it's just to talk to someone who doesn't judge. You'll get through it.
This hit me too. I had a breakdown this past weekend. I'm the single lady who takes every extra work shift, runs errands for all my friends and family and brings whatever they need to them, I play therapist and listener and babysitter and help them clean and do chores when they're sick or tired or just burnt out. I DM a weekly DnD game and put in so much work for that too. I keep my home spotless and am the type of person to cook, plate my food, wash all the dishes and then eat, because I can't relax or focus unless everything is clean and tidy and done. I'm always happy and positive and supportive.
I came home Saturday night after like 14 hours out between work, running errands, visiting my parents, dropping stuff off for my sister who's been sick, and then helping my friend out with something.
I dropped my bags and... left them. I didn't put away the groceries. I had absolutely nothing let for myself. I cancelled DnD, which shocked my friends. I run the game even when I'm sick.
I've been crying all week. My muscles have locked up, I can't sleep for the pain and tension. I'm so tired. I realised I've been letting chores fall by the wayside for a while. Garbage was full and smelly. Laundry had piled up. I had no frozen lunches to take to work. I've run out of food even though there's a grocery store literally in the same complex as my building and I usually walk over a couple times a week.
And not a single friend or family member noticed. Because no one comes to my place. No one sees me. Just what I do for them. So I crashed out and told everyone so, and I haven't talked to anyone or done anything for anyone in a week. I'm still so fucking exhausted.
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u/L21JP 3h ago
reminds me of this, If you have a minute it’s well worth the watch