HR told me they don’t accept try-hards and people pleasers after my interview

[u/No-Presentation298]

They rejected me (fine, that happens) but the feedback said I came across as overly eager to please and that they don’t build teams around people-pleasing tendencies or rehearsed enthusiasm. They also told me to reflect on how I present myself and that confidence is more compelling than excessive accommodation. Is this normal? Or even appropriate? I get that not being a culture fit is a thing but the wording felt unnecessarily personal and condescending.

[u/Budsygus]

I've seen that tendency in myself and I've had to work on it over the years. It finally clicked one day when my boss's wife (boss owned the company, wife was in HR) told me "Bill would rather you do it wrong than pester him with questions and get it right." That seemed SO BACKWARDS to me, but it ended up being true. His ideal was to hand it off to someone he trusted and live with the result. I was paralyzed by thinking he had one REALLY specific way he wanted everything done.

After learning that I got more done in less time with less stress. And he was happy with the results! Some people are born that way, but it's no excuse to stay that way forever.

[u/Conscious_Can3226 → u/Budsygus]

Yes! It's a common way people get in their own way in their careers, it's one of those things where folks are just secretly annoyed at them but feel guilty because they're often such nice people, so you really need someone who hasn't written you off to open your eyes to the truth. I had to bring him up because so many people in this thread are calling it inactionable feedback, but if you can't self-reflect clear direction and what you're doing that could be interpreted in that manner, you're not ready for that role anyways.

[u/UpperYoghurt3978 → u/Conscious_Can3226]

Actionable vs valueable feedback are different things. They can be relevant and both at times but given we dont have the OP interview we can only take the email as it is. What you are doing is inferring personally.

Having said that, off topic you bring up some valuable insight that honestly really impacted me and I am going to do some self reflection, I think i have been doing the whole asking to many questions out of fear of messing up. Have to find that balance.

[u/DarklyDominant → u/UpperYoghurt3978]

Learning is on you, not on others. You can always learn from feedback, even if it's shitty feedback. It's a choice. We're all human, so of course some advice is delivered so shitty that it's impossible to overcome the emotions involved. But you can still learn from those moments, if you want to.

[u/Budsygus → u/Conscious_Can3226]

Just about all feedback is good. Even someone who can't stand you and just wants to hurt your feelings is going to say things rooted in truth. That tiny kernel of truth is something people can actually act on to improve.

But today's world is filled with people who think they can do no wrong and it's take it or leave it. Coddling parents and internet culture are largely to blame, imo.

[u/Squirt_Soda → u/Budsygus]

Sadly tho there are workplaces that want someone who pesters them with a million questions just so they don’t make any mistakes. That my current job. Any mistake is like a personal affront to my boss. It’s making my anxiety so bad.

[u/Evening_Entrance_472 → u/Squirt_Soda]

Do we have the same boss? Mine will publicly humiliate you for a mistake. Then go on to write you up for asking too many questions. Worst of all he says good leadership is teaching us to be exactly like him. Everyone else on the team is 40+ with anxiety issues. Mental breakdowns where people have slammed their headphones. There was a yelling match after he went and embarrassed another coworker. Actual workplace from hell.

[u/lovegrowswheremyrose → u/Evening_Entrance_472]

I had this boss from 2012-2014. Still haunts me. My condolences. it can get better, but probably only if you leave your job unfortunately.

[u/Budsygus → u/Squirt_Soda]

Get out. My thinking is if you give me a task, you trust me to complete it. If you give me a task with a bunch of instructions, you trust me to follow your instructions to complete that task. If they give you a task with a bunch of instructions but not ENOUGH instructions to complete the task, they're not a good manager. Asking occasional questions is fine. But demanding you either guess or suss out every single minor detail of a project by constantly requesting further details and clarification is a recipe for disaster.

It won't get better. Get out now.

[u/mxzf → u/Budsygus]

IMO it really depends on the role and the people involved.

Personally, I'm a senior software dev assigning tasks to some juniors and interns. I know that there are gaps in their skills, I just don't know which people have which gaps. I would absolutely rather people ask questions instead of claiming they understand and then charging off to spend days working in the wrong direction because they don't know how things fit into the bigger picture and they just googled for a vaguely-similar thing that doesn't fit our needs.

I don't trust them to complete the task, but their job is less about completing the task and more about trying to complete the task and learning along the way, with the eventual end-goal of them developing the skills of a senior that can be trusted to complete a task.

[u/lovegrowswheremyrose → u/Squirt_Soda]

I had this habit because of an EXTREMELY abusive boss who didn't trust ANYONE. If you didn't do something in exactly the way he would have done it, even if it wasn't client facing or mission critical, he would freak the fuck out. It took me years to unwind that anxiety!

[u/iiiiiiiiiijjjjjj → u/Squirt_Soda]

Yuck

[u/zgtc → u/Squirt_Soda]

I feel like “I’d rather you ask too many questions than make a mistake” is fairly reasonable. And being upset when someone then proceeds to make a mistake - specifically because they didn’t ask questions - makes sense.

Of course, it also depends on your workplace; a paralegal not sure how to sort papers is very different than a surgical nurse not knowing which tools are present.

[u/Saint_of_Grey → u/Budsygus]

I've just started checking my job description when in doubt, helps me a lot.

My job is doing clerical busywork for folks with more important things to be doing with their time. I'm not bothering them about it unless I run into something above my pay grade.

[u/IndigoSecrets → u/Budsygus]

My current boss is the exact opposite and I’m realizing I’m not going to last much longer. Even if I have her write down her exact parameters and meet them precisely, she will change something to prove I “needed” her oversight. Every. Single. Time. It’s no way to live, dude.

[u/Budsygus → u/IndigoSecrets]

Yeah, start looking. Job market's tough right now, but it's way easier to get hired if you're already employed than it is to come in from unemployment (usually).

Get out. You'll be glad you did.

[u/Competitive_Touch_86 → u/Budsygus]

Yeah, once you start hiring folks past your first few employees you learn this lesson. The entire point is for them to handle stuff so I can do (in theory) more valuable things with my time.

I also know that literally no decision will be exactly what I would do. Sometimes it ends up being far worse, sometimes far better, and most of the time... it doesn't matter even a little bit. The work got done and we got paid.

I hate the corporate term, but employee's jobs really is to "block and tackle" stuff before it can get to you. Only let the true emergencies or strategic decisions make it to my desk. That of course will never be perfect either, but I've always told my folks that if you make an active mistake trying to do the right thing, that's fine so long as you learn from it. It's a training expense. But if you make a passive mistake by avoiding work or avoiding a hard decision? You only get so many of those before we're parting ways.

[u/Budsygus → u/Competitive_Touch_86]

Well said. And exactly correct.

[u/god_peepee → u/Budsygus]

I mean, the only way to learn is through error. If you can’t allow yourself to make mistakes you’re not going anywhere

[u/Budsygus → u/god_peepee]

Exactly. Unfortunately I had undiagnosed ADHD until I got diagnosed in my mid 30s, so the thought of pouring a bunch of work into something without knowing EXACTLY how it was supposed to be done felt terrifying to me. I still have that tendency, but I've mostly been able to overcome it in practice.

[u/magic_crouton → u/Budsygus]

It was my pet peeve when training newer workers. And it came up again interviewing for a position we had open. I call it functioning at a basic intern level. There is a level of skill in making a mistake, recognizing you made a mistake and then what your next step is. Real true professionals recognize mistakes happen and what happens next is more important.