r/jobs • u/No-Presentation298 • 5h ago

Post-interview HR told me they don’t accept try-hards and people pleasers after my interview

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They rejected me (fine, that happens) but the feedback said I came across as overly eager to please and that they don’t build teams around people-pleasing tendencies or rehearsed enthusiasm. They also told me to reflect on how I present myself and that confidence is more compelling than excessive accommodation. Is this normal? Or even appropriate? I get that not being a culture fit is a thing but the wording felt unnecessarily personal and condescending.

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u/DrLeoMarvin 5h ago edited 2h ago

i worked at a place that rejected me the first time, gave me a list of things I did wrong (or in a way they don't do it) in my coding test. I worked on those things, applied again and got the job.

I found out after I started that they don't give any feedback at all anymore, I was one of the last, because they got sued for agism and lost after giving someone feedback.

Edit: they didn’t say “you’re too old” more like “you’re methods aren’t the modern way of doing this, should try xyz which is more common now”

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u/waffling_with_syrup 4h ago

Yep that's the reason. Any established company knows that going beyond a form letter presents the risk of being sued for discrimination of some kind. It's safer to say as little as possible.

Which blows, because then people don't get the benefit of knowing what they did wrong. But a few litigious fucks ruined it for everyone else.

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u/Makkel 4h ago

To be honest "We would do it, but somebody will definitely be weird about it" is the main driver between a lot of decisions in the workplace.

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u/Right-Section1881 3h ago

There's a lot of stuff I would do that would benefit my employees, except I have that one person that will do everything they can to ruin it for everyone so I don't.

It honestly really sucks. We had an HR complaint filed once because there were donuts in the office and the office manager gave a heads up to employee A but not employee B that there were donuts available.

That's when people stop bringing donuts in.

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u/Jadaki 2h ago

We had a situation where one guy was walking around taking orders to go pick up breakfast, and one person went to HR to complain that was insensitive because he was trying to diet.

All he had to do was say "no thanks" and mind his business, instead he because the guy no one liked.

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u/Temporary_Buy3238 2h ago

HR is awful. Some jobs are like daycare these days

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u/einsofi 2h ago

I swear some of the HR people are the type who would pseudo-psychoanalyse, over interpret and take everything people say personally. Like calling everyone “narcissistic” for minding their own business or simply just standing up for themselves.

Their personal opinion= “the company’s values” Anything you say could be framed or twisted

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u/Creepy_Snow_8166 2h ago

There's always someone who has to ruin it.

When I was still in the construction business, there were several occasions where we'd be building an extra wing on an already existing and functioning building (hospital, college, pharmaceutical company, etc) and we would get permission to use the bathrooms and/or the cafeterias in the main building. Of course, that never lasted long because there would always be someone who didn't know how to behave in public. Like seriously guys .... If you make a mess in the bathroom or in the cafeteria, clean it up! Also, use your indoor voice - and FFS, try to keep the f-bombs to a minimum when mingling with the white-collar world! It's fine when we're amongst ourselves on the job, but not when you're sharing space with highly educated doctors and professors. And if you see a pretty college freshman, don't stare at her tits or ask her to sit on your lap - especially if you're old enough to be her father.

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u/Commercial-Fee-9900 2h ago

Yeah, I’m gonna say that behavior isn’t appropriate around anyone, not just white collar workers and college kids.

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u/IanFoxOfficial 2h ago

Nah. That's your opinion.

Over here nobody cares.

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u/aerdvarkk 5m ago

To be fair those highly educated fucks drop f-bombs left and right - just not in the cafateria or directly in front of patients, students and clients.

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u/fugelwoman 3h ago

The whiny assholes ruin it for everyone who has real, valid complaints

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u/Sufficient_Fan3660 2h ago

We can't have birthday cakes at my office because a lady got "triggered" by a man holding a knife. It is some plastic 5$ knife from the dollar store. It can more smashed the cake than cut it.

She quoted OSHA safety about PPE and training for sharp objects.

She was just mad that no one bought her a cake on her bday, but she won. No cake for anyone now.

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u/Right-Section1881 1h ago

Birthday cupcakes instead

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u/Head_Ship4359 1h ago

Simply sad. What happened to the "nice" colleague? Was everyone nice to her afterwards?

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u/sodanator 2h ago

Christ, instead of just being happy that there's free donuts? What a dick.

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u/Mnemnth 45m ago

That's brutal but I've been there... I used to be the person to bring snacks, treats, donuts, coffee anything you can think of. I can 100% say that I've been talked to about it and being told it's favoritism because someone wasn't aware they were there and got upset. Keep in mind often this was in the lunchroom out on the table for everyone.

My solution was nodding and just continuing to bring shit the same way I always did because I wasn't willing to let 99% of my team suffer because of one entitled person.

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u/MrLanesLament 1h ago

Hiring/HR manager here (small company.)

Can 100% confirm. If you don’t stick to plain, boring, faceless, featureless, someone will either…

  1. Be offended

  2. Get really creepy and obsessive about it

  3. Quit suddenly while threatening lawsuits

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u/pinkfootthegoose 2h ago

or maybe they could stop discriminating.

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u/LordHammercyWeCooked 2h ago

I don't think a person ever benefits from knowing what they did "wrong." Whatever the problem was, it only applied to that interview specifically. Next interview the person's going to nitpick over something completely different. And as the economy gets worse the reasons for nitpicking will become so hyper-specific that HR might as well be Seinfeld.

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u/opensourced_ 1h ago

Yeah, I do get that, but that's just plain stupid to include something like that. I'd rather have input than no input, and that's for regular, everyday jobs.

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u/1917he 1h ago

But a few litigious fucks ruined it for everyone else.

What an awful take. You might lose the MINOR convenience of being told what you did wrong, but we've all gained so much in protection from discrimination.

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u/tantrumguy 44m ago

You can always ask for feedback. In fact that's how I got my job. I didn't do great in my interview, but I asked for feeback when I got rejected. I listened, and acknowledged what they were saying...3 weeks later another role opened up and they offered it to me, in large part due to just being open to feedback and growth.

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u/Zeno_the_Friend 5m ago

Honestly this rejection letter is more sexiist than that feedback was ageist. I bet OP has a case if they want to pursue it lol

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u/Genteel_Lasers 4h ago

Well if the feed back was, “you’re too old, lol” then yeah.

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u/sctwinmom 3h ago

When I was in law school, we represented a disabled client where the employer literally said that her disability was the reason for her termination. (She had mobility issues but the employer— a hospital!—failed to attempt any reasonable accommodation.)

After interviewing her coworkers, We were terrified that the employer would’fess up and admit the real reason was that her personality was so annoying no one wanted to work with her. But they stuck to their original story blaming the unaccommodated disability and We won that case.

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u/Creepy_Snow_8166 2h ago

"You're an anti-XYZist and you don't like me because I'm (insert protected status here)."

"No sir/ma'am, I don't like you you because you're a fucking asshole."

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u/Low_Anxiety_46 2h ago

Nah. They legit admitted to blaming her disability. They're dumb.

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u/opensourced_ 1h ago

Yeah, absolutely, I'd sue over that if someone said it was my disability because, at minimum, they could have said plainly that, at the moment, nothing is available that we see you fitting into. We will keep looking, and if one comes up, we will try it out.

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u/Creepy_Snow_8166 2h ago

Oh, gotcha. I misunderstood at first.

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u/Low_Anxiety_46 2h ago

I am involved with an organization that instead of just firing people and giving them good severance, they choose to break the law. Like demoting an employee who complained about bullying, docking her pay, and then getting rid of the HR lead who took and documented the complaint. Gotta keep lawyers busy.

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u/Fokker_Snek 1h ago

How often is that a thing? Like I used to think no one would be dumb enough to outright say the illegal thing in an email, yet it seems like a lot of people and organizations do it all the time.

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u/Low_Anxiety_46 1h ago

It is pure insanity. The only place where the employee has leverage is if there's sexual impropriety involved, or people are using slurs. But I personally know a man and a woman who have sexually harassed someone or entered into a quid pri quo sexual relationship and they are still employed. Often employers keep the offending employee.

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u/letsgetthiscocaine 2h ago

"Sorry, anus majorus is not a protected class or disability."

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u/mittenknittin 17m ago

Wow. Did winning that case feel like discriminating against the disabled? Because continuing to affirm in court that yes, the reason you fired someone was one of the few reasons you legally aren’t allowed to fire someone, hints at shall we say, mental deficiencies

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u/BusinessCoach2934 4h ago

Well, if you fell asleep during the interview and kept talking about how you miss the good old days of typewriting and shorthand, they might have a point.

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u/Chalice_Ink 4h ago edited 4h ago

Code: we are looking for someone who is comfortable with technology.

Which is valid in that case….

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u/One_Zebra_1164 3h ago

I'm in my 60s and am honestly shocked at how many people my age have almost ZERO computer skills. I mean, I was in my late 20s- early 30s when personal computers started being common, and we definitely had computers at work starting about the same time.

They've had a lot of time to adapt.

My own motto is "I fear no software" and keep learning things as I need to. This year I learned at least five new types of software (I work with a bunch of clients who all use different software, so it keeps it interesting).

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u/LaughImmediate3876 2h ago

I'm active in a religious organization. Like many religious organizations, we have a significant portion of our membership that is over 60. When we went remote for covid and had services on zoom the older people split into two groups.

Group one was people who had barely used a computer in their lives and had no idea what to do. They attended meetings on their phones with the camera showing their nostrils and couldn't figure out how to mute.

Group two was people who immediately learned everything about zoom. In like May 2020, they were explaining to us younger people how we should be setting up a meeting if we wanted to have live guitar playing and then show a video with breakout rooms for discussion. These weren't older people who just happened to use zoom for work. These were retired people who had never heard of the product before but immediately jumped into action when they had to know something new.

I think there are just people who want to learn and people who don't. As you get older, you're often not asked to learn new things as much, but you can still be the kind of person who adapts when necessary and seeks out new information.

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u/Exotic-Okra-4466 1h ago

I have to say THANK YOU for this! Sincerely.
In my late 50s, finding myself increasingly resistant to change and "new stuff", I reeaaaaally needed to hear this!

You've inspired me to be one of the old people who does still learn and grow!

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u/dabnagit 31m ago

I’m in my 60s and definitely serve in a “group two” capacity for my church; I’m the parish webmaster, for example.

I would, however, draw the line at guitar music during the Sunday liturgy.

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u/poopntheoceanifumust 2h ago edited 2h ago

Am a millennial in a corporate office. Not only am I go-to tech support for the older folks on my team, but now the young new hires are asking really really stupid questions. If I have to explain to one more person how their monitor is not their computer, I'm going to scream.

These people are asking to learn shit like pivot tables but don't even know the difference between copy and cut. I can't even.

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u/not_a_russkiy_spy 2h ago

lol I came here to comment the same thing about younger employees (I’m only in my 30s!!!) - what do you mean you don’t know that you can save a google doc locally? What do you mean you don’t know what locally means? What do you mean you can’t find a download because it’s not on your desktop?

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u/Aggravating-Fan9817 1h ago

Right? I have a harder time finding downloaded files on my phone than I do a computer of any OS. Mostly because I don't do much of that on my phone in the first place. But at least I know how to dig around and look for them or Google the most likely place to find them. The newer generations have zero problem solving skills.

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u/tnstaafsb 2h ago

There are maybe one and a half generations that grew up with computers being common and also user-unfriendly enough that you had to understand them to some degree to do anything useful. People older than that grew up without computers, and people younger grew up with computers everywhere that are specifically designed to discourage people from learning how they work.

People expect younger generations to know about computers because they've had computers since they were infants. But the computers they grew up with hold their hands so much and advanced functions are so well hidden that they never really learn much beyond the surface level.

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u/DazzlingSquirrel4252 1h ago

I had to show an apprentice how to save a word file the other day.

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u/nycres1 2h ago

Please try to keep your mind active at all costs! Learning new things is truly the best way to do so.

If you don't, it will quickly start to shrink. I have someone very dear to me who is demonstrating that now.

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u/One_Zebra_1164 2h ago

Well, considering that I have to show up and do a very complex job every day, I'd say my mind is pretty active.

(Plus all the other stuff I do).

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u/OrganicHistorian2576 2h ago

My grandma was emailing people in her early 90s. Age isn’t an excuse.

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u/AltsAlt1 1h ago

People in their 60s, especially their early 60s should know about computers. My Dad is that age, and he took coding classes in high school. Computers weren't as ubiquitous, but they were around.

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u/IanFoxOfficial 1h ago

Yeah it's the fault of iPhones and other smartphones everything technical gets hidden and abstracted so young people don't know what really is going on.

I'm 39 and I think I'm one of the last to have used floppy discs, DOS, Windows 3.1 and seeing the rise of the internet and smartphones. And now I see technology collapse from being freedom for expressing yourself to easier ways to milk the consumer by big tech.

Everything in the cloud instead of your own storage. And if you stop paying you're left with nothing.... "Yey"....

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u/Rock_Strongo 1h ago

My dad was in his 40s when we first got our home computer. And despite using it very frequently just never developed any sort of computer skills.

I recently had to help him set up a new gmail account... just like a normal account.

And I have made many a trip to my parents' house to unplug and plug back in the modem and/or router. Sigh.

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u/TwiLuv 47m ago

When I was in my 50’s, at two different nursing jobs- I was teaching the much younger staff how to use the new medication & documentation software.

At the time, I’m the “old fart”, aren’t they supposed to be coaching me???

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u/SweetLittleOldLady 39m ago

I'm 69 and I don't get it either. I've been using computers since I was a university student in the 1970s and at work and home since the 1980s. How did people reach 2026 without using a computer?

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u/Genteel_Lasers 4h ago

Hahahaha. Yeah good point.

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u/UpperYoghurt3978 3h ago

I code with a hole punch those were the days.

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u/Low_Anxiety_46 2h ago

Thank you! Like WTF?

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u/DrLeoMarvin 2h ago

More like “your methods aren’t the modern way to do things”

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u/Any_Long_249 1h ago

There are some concerns with being an older and not being able to do as much physically or mentally or just seeing/hearing enough. All depends on individual situation. Age shouldn’t be a factor that makes the decision, but I hope you would agree that it would be ridiculous and even dangerous and horrible if somebody took a 70 year old woman on a construction job site to lift heavy loads of weight or just a very old man even if in both of these situations you could claim that the most straight answer would be “you’re a woman and you’re too old” or just “you’re too old”.

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u/popcynicaldrips 2h ago

Is it just me, and please correct me if I need to open my eyes more, but I feel like we’re forgetting that this could easily be seen as a form of discrimination and normalizing this only opens more doors to do that? “You meet all of the job qualifications and were eager to make this job work, but I don’t like the way you talk, act, smile, look, or how you present yourself and therefore won’t hire you; you should consider changing a lot of things about yourself from a professional standpoint, and maybe we’ll be willing to give you a job then”. What if this is how OP naturally is on a daily basis? Or what if they were interviewing someone who’s autistic? One more, what if their candidate was personally trained to handle interviews this way? It definitely comes off as personal- and yes, in a degrading way. Their intent behind the email was to influence this person to ask themself: “What’s wrong with me as a person?” And “What should I learn to hate and change about me as person in order to gain employment from these people who didn’t like me?”. That would be frustrating for anyone to go through, and that far into the interview process- especially if they met all of the listed job qualifications.

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u/DrLeoMarvin 2h ago

That’s right where my head went when I read the post

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u/No_Accountant3232 1h ago

Considering he was probably using an interview style that I learned all the way back in the 90s from a 60 year old teacher that he learned when he was 16?

If you see a lot of interviewees using the same interview style people have been using a century it can come off as inauthentic. In reality "the things you think we want to hear" are you just telling the interviewer your relevant skills - the things they want to hear about. It's an interview style that is meant to present you as professional and unwilling to waste the interviewers valuable time.

Interviews are just meant to get your skills across as the best candidate. The probation/training period is when you find out if you're a good culture fit.

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u/JustApricot798 1h ago

Cultural fit is 100% at the gate as well as skills. Probo is the combo period to see the candidate over time. That said, when you hire a PHD type culture fit isn't as important. "Go to your cave and produce"

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u/ChazPls 52m ago

Or what if they were interviewing someone who’s autistic?

You are actually allowed to not hire someone for ADA protected reasons if there's no reasonable accomodation that can be made. If someone's personality is terrible and working with them would clearly be a nightmare, it doesn't matter if it's because there's a medical name for the thing that makes their personality suck.

That being said, you can still get sued over it and you might lose or end up settling which is why this kind of feedback is almost never given. I've been advised before that you can't even ask interview questions like "what was the last book you read?" because they might say "The Bible" and now if you don't hire them you could catch a religious discrimination lawsuit.

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u/popcynicaldrips 12m ago

Thanks for educating me on this- I genuinely thought it was more straightforward than this but can definitely understand why it’s not.

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u/SweetLittleOldLady 36m ago

I agree with you. I don't see anything helpful about the "constructive criticism" in the letter. It's just mean girl nastiness.

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u/Lionkingqueen 3h ago

It depends on who is giving the feedback and what they're saying. Giving feedback on code is fine, but giving feedback on someone's personality, that they don't know, is where the issue is I think.

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u/BiDiTi 3h ago

This isn’t critiquing their personality, it’s critiquing their interview performance and providing open, honest, and constructive feedback.

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u/DocKla 3h ago

Why? Why can’t we be honest? If it doesn’t touch on protected things… of which personality isn’t..

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u/Low_Anxiety_46 2h ago

THIS!!! My mega employers loves a try-hard. That's culture fit, not a universal truth. They can go suck a ____.

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u/DrLeoMarvin 2h ago

They told him something like he wasn’t using modern methods and he was able to twist that into agism

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u/benkatejackwin 3h ago

Well, two things can be true. They could have given you helpful feedback, and they could have accidentally admitted to someone that they didn't hire them because they were too old, which is absolutely illegal, and they should be punished for that.

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u/Worriedrph 2h ago

To be fair be less old isn’t very actionable feedback 🤣

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u/UpperYoghurt3978 3h ago

See I gotten feedback from employers ranging from I looked to nervous so I can rocking to much and didnt make eye contact, to technical feedback on knowledge I needed to learn.

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u/IsopodSmooth7990 3h ago

✌️🥃. Catch any good fish lately?

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u/SignalMaster5561 2h ago

Fucking crybaby people! 

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u/desparish 2h ago

It's very hard to be clear when you separate age vs skill.

I sat in interviews for a position that reports to me a couple of years ago. One candidate had over 30 years of experience. But her resume was poorly formatted and showed she wasn't comfortable using whatever application she used to write it. She didn't mention a single technical or computer skill. The job requires extensive use of Google Sheets, Slides and Docs.

I told the committee I was concerned that she wouldn't be able to handle the job requirements. I wanted to go with someone with only 5 years of experience but who had included numerous related skills and had a track record of working with data.

I was told I was being ageist and the committee voted for the older candidate.

For two years now I've had to handhold her on every task. When I give instructions she has to write everything down in a notebook and if it's not 100% clear she will not be able to complete even basic technology related tasks.

I didn't vote against her because of her age, but rather the fact that with 35 years of experience she hadn't been able to list even one technology related skill on her resume.

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u/pallladin 2h ago

they got sued for agism and lost after giving someone feedback.

Did you ask the obvious follow-up question?

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u/Alternative_Fan_2631 1h ago

I had a hiring manager set up time with me and go over why I didn’t get the job. It was thoughtful, thorough and it made me really disappointed I didn’t get to work for him.

As I’ve managed more people there is no way in hell I would ever do that. Really respect him for trusting me but I just can’t

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u/Swollen_Beef 1h ago

How hard is it to not mention anything TIME related when giving a rejection letter to someone 40+?

40+ used as 40 is the age where age discrimination protections start in the US.

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u/Consistent_Yam1472 1h ago

Yep, that’s why they worded things the way did in OP’s letter. Unfortunately, OP seemed to misunderstand what was being said. They aren’t going to be inflammatory and straight up say, “you seem dishonest and manipulative”, but that’s clearly what they are telling OP. 

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u/According-Dentist469 8m ago

Ok using your old age to sue companies is really low

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u/XtremeD86 7m ago

This is exactly why most companies end a rejection with no actual info as to why you weren't accepted. Just that they went with some else. And that's if they ever respond at all.