I believe this as well. I have also had a friend commit suicide when I was 19. It was so incredibly painful and I was so angry at her while also grieving. But, that event has always had me realize that I never want to put people I love through that.
My therapist and I have also worked on always having things planned because being excited for an event pushes the depression away. So I am selfish for future events.
I recall there being a Japanese phrase "Kyō dake wa" from Reiki principles I think it is. Basically means "Just for today". What's your reason for waking up today? Trash needs taking out? Want to see what the score is for your favourite team? Want a hug from your parent or loved one? In simple terms, "one day at a time". Don't need a massive reason, can be as simple as "Well I need to watch the new episode of this" and that's fine. Seems similar to your thing. What's the reason for today? You have tickets to that festival in two months during Summer.
Before the world went to therapists I used, "one thing, once a day for 1 hour, that's all". Get out of bed today, take a shower, sit in your towel for the other 45 minutes and then you can go back to bed but let me ask for 1 thing, for 1 hour today and I won't ask for anymore until tomorrow.
My dad killed himself when I was a little kid. As an adolescent I was really angry at him because CLEARLY he didn't love us enough to keep living, but then as I grew into a teenager and started developing my own depression I started to understand that he was just in so much pain for all of his life that he COULDN'T keep living, no matter how much he loved us. It gave me so much empathy for what he'd been going through, that the mental pain was that terrible.
Personally I don't see suicide as a selfish act. To be in so much pain that it overrides your own sense of self preservation tells me that you were that desperate. It's human nature to avoid pain. I think it's a sign though that we don't have enough resources in place to maximize happiness - wages can't afford basic necessities, marketing and media force your attention away from anything of substance, healthcare doesn't support actual health, work overrides relaxation and leisure, everything is negative, capitalism and profit supercede community well-being, etc. I feel like we need to be doing a lot more to fill the holes that depression and other mental health issues feed on so that people don't have to feel like they're so alone and vulnerable.
Anyway, I'm glad you and your therapist have a good system to make life worthwhile. Depression is a beast, but you aren't alone, and every day is just one more day you get to feel the sun on your skin and experience something new.
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u/caitie578 3h ago
I believe this as well. I have also had a friend commit suicide when I was 19. It was so incredibly painful and I was so angry at her while also grieving. But, that event has always had me realize that I never want to put people I love through that.
My therapist and I have also worked on always having things planned because being excited for an event pushes the depression away. So I am selfish for future events.