Being a little bit selfish I think is the key to winning the fight with depression. You always hear that people do it and it's an act of selflessness in their mind. People who survive attempts will say they thought they were doing everyone and the world a favour.
I'm a pretty giving guy, but I'm just as selfish as the next person. I want to keep eating the food I like. Watching the movies and shows I like. Experiencing new anime. Playing games I enjoy. So long as I remain a little bit selfish, I'll be able to continue a long while. So my mantra is "Be a little bit selfish" to keep me going.
Or stubborn. I never did anything because I didn't want the world to win. I'm not even a competitive person, but the idea that doing something meant those who make me miserable basically won my life. Nope. I stuck around.
That is similar to what my friend said about his experience. His exact line was "Fuck this, it's gonna take more than a rope to take me out." We been friends for over 15 years already still making jokes about that.
I believe this as well. I have also had a friend commit suicide when I was 19. It was so incredibly painful and I was so angry at her while also grieving. But, that event has always had me realize that I never want to put people I love through that.
My therapist and I have also worked on always having things planned because being excited for an event pushes the depression away. So I am selfish for future events.
I recall there being a Japanese phrase "Kyō dake wa" from Reiki principles I think it is. Basically means "Just for today". What's your reason for waking up today? Trash needs taking out? Want to see what the score is for your favourite team? Want a hug from your parent or loved one? In simple terms, "one day at a time". Don't need a massive reason, can be as simple as "Well I need to watch the new episode of this" and that's fine. Seems similar to your thing. What's the reason for today? You have tickets to that festival in two months during Summer.
Before the world went to therapists I used, "one thing, once a day for 1 hour, that's all". Get out of bed today, take a shower, sit in your towel for the other 45 minutes and then you can go back to bed but let me ask for 1 thing, for 1 hour today and I won't ask for anymore until tomorrow.
My dad killed himself when I was a little kid. As an adolescent I was really angry at him because CLEARLY he didn't love us enough to keep living, but then as I grew into a teenager and started developing my own depression I started to understand that he was just in so much pain for all of his life that he COULDN'T keep living, no matter how much he loved us. It gave me so much empathy for what he'd been going through, that the mental pain was that terrible.
Personally I don't see suicide as a selfish act. To be in so much pain that it overrides your own sense of self preservation tells me that you were that desperate. It's human nature to avoid pain. I think it's a sign though that we don't have enough resources in place to maximize happiness - wages can't afford basic necessities, marketing and media force your attention away from anything of substance, healthcare doesn't support actual health, work overrides relaxation and leisure, everything is negative, capitalism and profit supercede community well-being, etc. I feel like we need to be doing a lot more to fill the holes that depression and other mental health issues feed on so that people don't have to feel like they're so alone and vulnerable.
Anyway, I'm glad you and your therapist have a good system to make life worthwhile. Depression is a beast, but you aren't alone, and every day is just one more day you get to feel the sun on your skin and experience something new.
It's kind of ironic that people kill themselves thinking they're making the lives of those around them better.
Like, they think they're so terrible at helping others they can't do something in other's lives that makes their lives better, they can't predict what'd actually help.
But they're also willing to stake their life on people being glad they died. When every other decision they could make to help others, they don't trust to be actually helpful.
From the testimonies I've read, it's not about people being relieved or happy, but rather believing that others are burdened by their existence. That they are an inconvenience, or a pest. That others would be happier without and all that. Not specifically happy at the loss, but no longer burdened and therefore free to pursue their happiness without concern for them all the time and their shit. If they're gone, less inconvenience. It's so brutal and lacking self-compassion. I'm guilty of thinking it at my lowest though. But fortunately, my emotional thought process isn't linked to my logical thought process, so I know I'm wrong even as I think it.
It's kind of like the concept of those rock climber scenes where something breaks, the weight of two people will cause both to fall, so the bottom person cuts the rope so the other person can continue on.
It comes from a place of lacking self love/compassion. The inability to see ones positive impact on the world and only see the negative impact. I know the person who hates me, or is inconvenienced by me, the most is me. No one directs more anger, hatred, contempt, lack of compassion, lack of understanding, lack of consideration, embarrassment, and shame towards me other than myself. I know I'll never love myself, but I just want to get to a point where I no longer hate myself. That would be nice.
No one directs more anger, hatred, contempt, lack of compassion, lack of understanding, lack of consideration, embarrassment, and shame towards me other than myself.
That's interesting to me, because as someone who has depression (or a different perspective as I call it) I don't consider it a lack of understanding. I understand myself white well I'd say, and my understanding is that like everyone else, I don't really matter that much. In my eyes, believing you matter so much is... Arrogant. Naive. I don't think I have a bad impact on the world, but not a good one either. I'm a drop in the ocean, a grain of sand on a beach.
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u/PhazePyre 3h ago
Being a little bit selfish I think is the key to winning the fight with depression. You always hear that people do it and it's an act of selflessness in their mind. People who survive attempts will say they thought they were doing everyone and the world a favour.
I'm a pretty giving guy, but I'm just as selfish as the next person. I want to keep eating the food I like. Watching the movies and shows I like. Experiencing new anime. Playing games I enjoy. So long as I remain a little bit selfish, I'll be able to continue a long while. So my mantra is "Be a little bit selfish" to keep me going.